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• John McCain has chosen Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate in his bid for President of the United States. He hopes the combined ticket of McCain/Palin will score better with the “creeped out by old people” demographic.
• New York State has begun monitoring obesity in their school systems, collecting summaries of BMI and weights. Governor Paterson has been applauded for finally finding a test that students will score higher in every year.
• Palin’s daughter, 17 year old Bristol, was recently revealed to be pregnant. The father, Levi Johnston says he is “psyched” to be a dad. Levi is also “psyched” to find out his mom is making Stove Top Stuffing tonight.
• A recent study reveals that DVR technology has improved relationships. Sadly, if you examine the survey closely, the relationships it’s improving is Jim and Pam’s Office romance.
• The world’s tallest building, located in Dubai, is now 2,257 feet high (160 stories) and still growing. It appears it may reach nearly 3,000 feet high when it is completed. Reports are unclear on exactly how small the designer’s penis is but experts assume its microscopic.

  “My penises is pretty small”, claimed Grant Halstead, gun enthusiast, “but not so small that I needed to build something that dwarfed the Taiwan’s Tapei 101 Tower”. Franklin Glocke agreed, “I drive my loud sports car around to make sure everyone ignores my tiny tiny dick, but the Dubai tower is even taller then the US’s KVLY-TV mast! Whoever designed it must have a penis that can’t be seen with the naked eye.”

Sep.03.2008 :: Tags: Fiction, news-ish :: No Comments »

Eagle Eye starring Shia LaBeouf and Michelle Monaghan opens September 6th but the title is so dull and uninspired no one knows what the movie is about.

I asked some people what they thought the movie was about:

“I assume it’s about a sharp shooter. A Desert Storm movie maybe? Or an assassin movie. Or some guy really good at paint ball.”
- Mark Nickels, some guy on the street

“Its a sequel to Shia’s golf movie: The Greatest Game Ever Played? Did anyone see that?”
- Bill Paxton, director of The Greatest Game Ever Played

“It’s a horror film where Shia has an eagle’s eye implanted in his skull causing him to attack his friend’s small pets… and then he gains a taste for blood.”
- Michael Cooney, writer/director of Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman

“Shia plays a pizza delivery boy who has uncanny knack for interior decoration”
- Parker Connelly, hates his job

“Shia and Michelle are going to get married, if Shia can get his ring back from the Eagle that swooped down and stole it.”
- Megan Blyth, loves You’ve Got Mail

“Shia wants to build a high rise, but the building he needs to demolish has an Eagle living on it and Michelle is trying to stop him… until the fall in love. After that they probably move the nest or something but still tear down the building.”
- Richard Leckner, doesn’t give a shit

Aug.28.2008 :: Tags: Fiction, Movies, pop-culture :: No Comments »

Barack Obama has announced that Joe Biden would be his Vice Presidential Running Mate. The first people to learn of the news were alerted by Text Message, after they signed up for alerts via the Barack Obama Campaign website.

The next people to learn were the other possible running mates, Governor Tim Kaine and Senator Evan Bayh. They were questing in World of Warcraft when they received a message from Obama’s Orc Warrior Kaltros. It simply stated “SS. Biden’s my m8.”

By this time News outlets had picked up on the story when Biden set his twitter to “Start printing your Obama/Biden bumper stickers!!!”

Biden himself was sent a facebook message from Obama with the subject “Guess What?” Biden responded by posting on Obama’s Superwall with a video of a cat flipping out. Underneath it Biden wrote “This is me.”

McCain prompted his campaign manager to start working on some anti-Biden ads via a Friendster message.

Aug.25.2008 :: Tags: Fiction, news-ish :: No Comments »

The Scam is performing this Saturday at 10:30 pm at the UCB Theatre.

If you read this blog AND you are in New York on Saturday AND you like me you should go to this show!
Look at this picture (taken by Keith Huang) that makes me look like a puppeteer forcing Porter Mason to dance! The Scam does fun things like that!

Also I love the title of this show!

Aug.22.2008 :: No tag for this post. :: No Comments »

Wednesday, August 20th, Ricky Martin becoming the father of twins was dwarfed by Matt Damon having a daughter. Even the fact that Ricky Martin had his children through a surrogate mother wasn’t enough to make up for the huge fame differential between Ricky Martin and Matt Damon.

Also in the news Angie Harmon and Jason Sehorn’s impending child is ignored in favor of news that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are expecting.

Aug.20.2008 :: Tags: Fiction, pop-culture :: No Comments »

Recently the Chinese Government competed in Olympic Gymnastic with underage girls. Although their passports claim they are 16 there are older articles that have been found reporting the girls to have been 13 months earlier.

With the intent to build better international relations with China I offer up these excuses they can use to get out of this controversy.

1. In our country your life begins when your parents fall in love, adding an average of 3 years to everyone’s age.
2. We assumed our math abilities were better then the rest of the world’s and that no one would notice 13 is not great then 16
3. Living in the smog of Beijing takes so many years off your life, our gymnasts are actually middle aged.
4. The chinese character for 13 and 16 are hard to tell apart (do you know which is which?)
   一 十 六      13 (or is it 16?)
   一 十 三      16 (or is it 13?)
5. There is a perfectly good explanation for the age mix-up, and that is… hey I think the Russians are still in Georgia!

Aug.19.2008 :: Tags: Fiction, news-ish :: No Comments »

Johnny Vieira, a guy who claims to be a music producer, is suing Vanessa Hudgens for breaking a settlement that was reached when Johnny Vieria illegally signed Vanessa to a contract when she was still a minor.

Viera believes he deserves a share in advances, royalties and merchandising from Hudgens’ career. He also feels he deserves some blame for her being in the media spotlight which enabled her naked photos to be spread across the internet.

“You think if I hadn’t helped her get her start that she would have been humiliated like that? No.” Viera ranted, “And shouldn’t I get some credit for her new album, Identified that Billboard described as ‘ranges from pleasant to dull to off-putting’? I want my share of the acclaim! When will Billboard say Johnny Vieria ‘panders to the preteen demo!’”

Viera also wants credit when US Weekly critiques her clothes, whether she wore it best or not.

Aug.12.2008 :: Tags: Fiction, pop-culture :: No Comments »

The world watches on as Georgia has been effectively cut in half when Russia captured the main east to west highway located near the city of Gori.

Georgian President, Mikhail Saakashvili, is outraged at the action, but Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has asked Georgia to relax and wait ensuring that after the initial shock wears off, and Russia makes some clever banter the country will be reunited and will be found to be unharmed.

Putin added, “we will most likely spin the eastern half of Georgia around a few times to convince the world that Georgia has been cut in half”

The United Nations has been led to believe the entire trick is down with a second country, possibly Moldova, sticking its western side out, while remaining hidden below the seemingly bisected Georgia. The United States is unamused by the trick but will probably wait until after it has fulfilled its two drink minimum before expressing outrage.

Aug.11.2008 :: Tags: Fiction, news-ish :: No Comments »

This probably isn’t news anymore, since I rarely check out online sites, but I just stumbled onto a bunch of Muppet viral videos.

They are all added by different (fake?) users, but all are tagged virmup. I love Sam the Eagle so I got a bit of joy out of seeing him introduce Animal, Beaker, Swedish Chef, a bear, and a penguin in a wing ’singing’ Stars and Stripes Forever..

Apparently Beaker, Animal, and the Swedish Chef are a musical group. I looked into this briefly and found they did a bit on the old Muppet Show where the three of them were introduced as the Leprechaun Brothers singing Oh Danny Boy.

It reminds me of the old SNL bit where Frankenstein, Tonto and Tarzan would sing together (later in a brillant move Tonto was replaced by Chris Farley as himself).

Apparrently this bit works for me because I loved the Leprechaun Brothers singing Habanera:

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Completely unrelated to the Muppets, but still on YouTube I found this 4 minute pilot for the never sold Buffy the Vampire Slayer Animated Series:

It looked like it would have been pretty damn good!
“The harder they what?”

Aug.06.2008 :: Tags: online videos :: No Comments »

Comedy Duo Greg & Lou case me in one of their recent videos. Here it is:

Jul.30.2008 :: Tags: Greg & Lou, online videos :: No Comments »